The Monday Drag

 

It's Monday morning. I'm currently procrastinating getting in the shower. I don't want to go to work. 

This has been my usual morning struggle for a good part of the past 5 years. Coercing myself to drive into work instead of just calling out. Battling the panic attacks that brew inside me. Crying in the shower and in the car. Giving myself pep talks that today will be a good day...even though most days usually aren't. We are short staffed yet again today. Nothing new. I'm sure I won't get to eat again all day and will likely end the day with a migraine. But again, nothing new. 

How long can this cycle go on for? This weekend was very rejuvenating and relaxing, and it gave me some time to process and think about life. By now, it's no shock that this is not how I imagined by life being. This past week, I've done a lot of contemplating and thinking about what my future will look like. By now, I have decided that full-time primary care pediatrics is just not for me and that it's poisoning my life. I should be grateful that I have the opportunity to help families, but instead I just feel like I'm being strangled by the system that just sets me up for failure. The challenge is figuring out what comes next. I just want this chokehold and suffocation to end.  I want to see the light again. Sometimes you have a take a bold step without knowing what the future may hold. 

I didn't accomplish many of the tasks I had set out to accomplish in 2023. But I did make some very important realizations this year. Firstly, that I cannot go on doing primary care pediatrics for the next 30+ years. I have to quit and move on. This career is just killing me. I have tried to switch jobs, I've moved, gone to an academic center, I've tried fixing my ways and pre-charting, setting boundaries, saying no.....and nothing works. My mental health and physical health are at an all-time low. These past 5 years have been the worst years of my life, and I've been enveloped in this darkness that just seems to grow larger. I want to break free. I want to be happy. I want to look at myself and the mirror and feel proud. I want to have positive self-talk. I want to explore the world. I don't want to end my life. I want to be a mother, a wife, a better friend, a better daughter. I don't want my career to define who I am.

Yes, the future is very uncertain. But over the past week I have realized that this is the last year I will be doing primary care. August 2024 I will be putting in my resignation. Nine more months. After that, I am not sure what I will be doing. Maybe locums? Maybe going back to school? Maybe telemedicine? Maybe a mix of odd jobs? But I just cannot continue like this. My soul deserves better.