It's been over a year since I last blogged. How crazy.
In the past 15 months, I've realized that it's the career of medicine that been making me sick for the past 11 years. It's not Pittsburgh, it's not New York, it's not any particular clinic, it's not my parents, it's not my friends. It's this horrible institution of medicine. There have been so many stories of physician burnout and suicide in the past three years since the pandemic and yet we have learned nothing. I don't think I'm even at the point of burnout anymore - I'm way beyond now. I'm just over this. When I decided to go into medicine and pediatrics, I did so because of my genuine interest and desire to help parents raise healthy thriving children and because I loved working with children. But having done this now for 4 years (7 years if you count residency), I now realize that medicine is just a business and a customer service industry. Nobody cares about our mental health - we are only factory workers churning out RVUs, seeing patients on patients, spending endless hours working outside our allotted hours, dealing with disrespectful patients we cannot dismiss, and being reprimanded because a patient gave us a bad press ganey score. Oh and lets not forget the threat of lawsuits hanging above your head even if you made a genuine mistake. I have become so disillusioned and I just cannot fathom doing this for that much longer.
Don't get me wrong. We need physicians in this world. Some of my colleagues are doing such great things and are thriving in their fields and I'm so happy for them. But for me, I realize that this career is slowly poisoning me and I need to get out before it consumes me. Over the past 3-4 months, I've been planning my exit from medicine. There is nothing more I would like than to just put in my 3 months' notice now and be done with it, but of course that's not realistic at all. I've been exploring many non-clinical paths however a lot of them require 5+ years clinical experience and can get very competitive. I've even thought of leaving medicine completely however that path is harder to figure out. Going back to school has also crossed my mind but I don't want to incur even more debt and I don't want to waste the $250,000 worth of medical school debt I've been painfully paying. So I'm biding my time. I'm now thinking of this job as just a paycheck and a way for me to afford living in this city. My physical health and mental health have become the most important things to me. I've set strict boundaries of when I leave the office and when/how long I chart at home. My notes are being done mostly in the office, not on my days off at home. I've come to realize that I am a valuable asset to my company - it is neither cheap nor easy to replace doctors - therefore I set my terms now (to the extent I can of course). I will continue exploring non-clinical jobs and other paths I can take until next December when my work contract expires and I can be free. Until then, I will continue to do only the necessary amount at work without causing daily panic attacks. I'm done going above and beyond and ruining my health.
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