Empty

 

I've become so used to helping others that I've forgotten how to fix myself.

I wish somebody would text me to ask me if I'm okay. Because genuinely I'm not. I've never felt so completely alone and isolated. Nobody cares about me. Maybe I've become so good at faking a smile and pretending like everything's okay that I've managed to fool everyone into thinking there's nothing wrong. Or maybe nobody cares. Maybe I've just been forgotten. What a selfish bitch I am for leaving the only person who ever truly unconditionally loved me. But it's something I have  to do because this city is literally suffocating me. I cannot wait to escape.  

Am I fucking up my life even more by moving? I thought it would feel right but it feels wrong. Like I'm making a mistake. But it's too late now - the inks already dried. 

I don't think anybody really cares about me except for my parents. Even my brother doesn't seem to want a relationship with me - we had a completely silent 60 minute drive in the car today. No words were exchanged. My own brother can't stand me. All my friends are leaving me. I have a few that still check up on me periodically that I consider my closest friends. But the list of people I can call my good friends seems to dwindle by the month. I know I'm to blame because my job consumes my entire life now. I learnt my lesson - I'm not going to let my new job consume me like this again. I didn't make time to keep up with my friends which is why I'm in this boat. I don't think I'm fun to be around anymore. I have horrendous social anxiety except for when I'm with my closest friends who accept me for who I am. I've alienated and kicked out all the toxic people in my life but that leaves me with only a handful of friends.

That's part of the reason I'm escaping this shit city - this certain toxic person whose made my life a living hell since undergrad. I know it's wrong to let one person tarnish your social life and maybe it's unfair for me to judge her for things said in our late teen and young adult years but some things you cannot forget. So I stay away - from her and any social gathering involving her. I know I'm losing more friends because of it, but I just don't care anymore. I cannot wait to start my new life in New York. I can't wait to just blend in and start life somewhere new where I can be whoever I want without all the old scars of the past.