Hello October

 

I honestly cannot believe that it's October already. This year is just whizzing by, which is really scary.

My anxiety has honestly been at an all-time high. I spent such a beautiful weekend with my parents - apple picking, going to the local farm, watching a movie, getting a drink at the bar, eating lots of autumnal foods.  I'm going to miss these days so much. I got a draft of my contract from my new tentative job but I'm having horrible anxiety about signing it. What if this is the wrong decision? What if this job is also a nightmare? I feel so guilty for leaving my parents. They're the only ones who have ever truly unconditionally loved me and have always been my biggest cheerleaders through thick and thin. I know that nothing is ever permanent and I always have the option of relocating, but my job depends so much on continuity that I can't just keep flip flopping jobs my entire life. I need to settle down roots. This town is always going to be home, but I think I've outgrown this place now. I don't feel energized by this city anymore. I'm not growing as a person here. This isn't a town for a single 31 year old woman to make new friends and find a partner. 

I'm not growing as a person in this city at all - in fact I'm going backwards and I'm at the lowest I have ever been in terms of my mental health and physical health. I feel so stuck here and my anxiety has been so horrible. Sunday afternoons & evenings are loaded with anxiety about the upcoming work week. There are times I cry on my drive to work because the thought of 8-12 hours is just torture. I come home mentally exhausted and lay in bed with copious amounts of food because that's the only coping skill I have.  The uncertainty of not knowing what kind of shit the triage nurses are going to put on my schedule. The looming fear that I'm being judged and talked down upon by my coworkers. The plethora of walk-ins that are going to show up.  I've made so many mistakes here as my first job and I feel like I can't escape them. More than anything, I just want a fresh start. I want a clean slate, a do-over on my reputation. I want to grow in a city that's full of energy and potential. I want to have Friday night martini nights with friends. I want to start taking care of myself again, and have the time to do it. 

Sure, I know that my next job will have its challenges as well. There is no such thing as a perfect job and work anxiety is unescapable. But those moments outside of work is what makes it all worth it - my life outside of work here is just my parents and my brother. That's it. I have no good friends here - the few friends I have are caught up in their relationships. I have zero desire or motivation to take care of myself. I love my parents so much but I don't think that's enough to hold me here anymore. I want to find a partner, grow a family of my own - and I don't think I'm going to get that here. It's such a tough decision, but ultimately I need to do what I think is best for me and my future no matter how tough it is.