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My Hopes For 2025

  I am definitely having some jitters about leaving my job. I am so excited for the freedom, but a part of me is really going to miss my apartment and New York. Living here has been such a dream. This is the first apartment I have truly loved and felt like home in. I love the beat and pulse of New York City (what a cliche, right?). But I am so heartbroken at having to leave my apartment. I even thought about renegotiating my contract with my current job and went through the entire process of creating a plan to possibly stay in my current position. But a part of me knows that is not the right step. Sure, I'll get to stay in my apartment and continue my life here, but there is no growth in that. I have to accept the fact that I am stagnant in this job and there will be no opportunities to grow as both a professional and a person. This job is suffocating me and I am unable to live my life because of it. Hell, I haven't even gone on a date in over 5 years. I don't even look pre...
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Getting The Hell Away

 



So it's Halloween weekend and I'm sitting here alone. Staring at my phone - staring at my wallpaper yet again with no notifications. When did my life become this horrid? It's like I'm living in a nightmare. Everyday - just alone. Completely isolated from everyone. I'm scared to go downstairs to my apartment lobby because I feel like I'm the only one there not in a group. I'm afraid to go to the Starbucks next door, not knowing who I'll run into. Hell I'm even scared of hanging out with my friends - fearful that they'll judge my fat ass for still being single, coming to the hangout alone without a partner, afraid they're going sneer at me for trying to be some cool person moving to NYC when I look like I belong in a village.

Fuck really though - when did my life become so depressing? I truly have nobody here except my parents who have more of a life than I do. What in the hell. 

I can't wait to move out of this city. This crushing loneliness that I experience everyday has become a living nightmare. I thought things might be different with my supposed best friend moving back here, but I never realized how time has made us drift apart and she's closer to her husband's friends and their respective girlfriends/wives than she is to me. I mean who would want to invite their obese, loser, single friend along with them? So here I am all alone in my apartment on Saturday night, on Halloween weekend, as the world is spinning and people are having fun with their best friends, husbands, boyfriends, significant others. I'm forgotten about yet again. I really wonder if I fell of this Earth - would anybody even notice?

I used to love the seasons and the holidays. Now I don't even feel like putting up my Christmas tree this year. I'm not even excited about the holidays this year. I can't even recognize myself anymore.

So yes, I'm really looking forward to this move. It's going to be hard - don't get me wrong. But it's going to be the change I need in my life. I think what I love most about NYC is the fact that I can just blend in. I can blend into the sea of millions and fade into the background. Not afraid to run into someone I went to high school with, not afraid that I'll see my patients and their parents in the grocery store. I can finally be free and be accepted for being a single woman in her 30's. I used to be strong and independent - and now I'm just this shell of a person. I want to re-invent myself so bad, but I just don't have any motivation to. I love how independent people are in NYC - it's so inspiring and it's the only place where I can be whoever the hell I want without being judged. I may be broke - but at least I'll be happy.

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