A Fresh Start.

It's been 291 days since I last posted. Reading my last post was embarrassing - I almost deleted it. 

My life is an absolute mess right now. Literal and figuratively. My apartment is filthy and disorganized and my mind is a jumble. I'm not really sure what the goal is for this post, but I think I'm realizing how much I am in the need of a major life reset. 

My mental health has never suffered this much.

This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. 

I don't feel proud or happy of anything that I have accomplished. 

I feel like a letdown and a failure. 

I come home most days from working 10+ hours and then have no energy to do anything but binge eat and lay in bed watching shows on my phone. It's my favorite season - fall - and this is the first time I don't even feel like busting out my pumpkins, drinking every fall drink available, and planning out my bucket list. I just don't feel like it. I feel so numb and blank. 

I have no desire or motivation to make plans with friends. I can't gather enough energy to socialize with anyone. I feel like I'm constantly judged by friends and family. 

My physical health is the worst it's ever been. I get winded going up stairs and don't have the energy to even go down to my lobby. 

I'm scared of confronting people - friends and new people - because I'm scared of what they'll think about me. 

I get anxious about work and what the families I serve think about me. I feel like I let them down. 

I don't take care of myself anymore. My hair is matted & tangled, I have so many acne scars & discoloration on my face, I'm the heaviest I've ever been (and my mom doesn't miss a moment to remind me). I can't remember the last time I shaved or put on a face mask. I'm sure my unibrow can be spotted from a mile away. 

I used to have a light shining through me and everyone used to tell me how happy and bright I was. That's gone. I don't love myself, so how can anybody else love me? 

Needless to say, this is not the kind of life I had imagined for myself. I flash back to thinking about what a happy kid I used to be, even though I was bullied in school. I look back at pictures from medical school where I was probably the healthiest and happy I had ever been. I've face so many challenges and know I am such a strong person. What happened? Where did life go wrong? Why am I still stuck in this vicious cycle of self-hatred and anhedonia? I'm done with training. These are supposed to be my golden days. But instead, every day is hell. Pure and utter hell. And I just can't seem to break the cycle. 

But enough is enough. I'm 31, single, and have worked too hard to be caught up in the trenches of depression and anxiety. Something has to change - starting with this job that is making me absolutely miserable. I don't deserve to cry everyday after work because my bosses are greedy souls who don't seem to understand how burned out everyone at work is. I'm burned out. I'm sick of working 50-60 hours per day for shit pay, no job satisfaction, and an immense load of stress. 

It's time to make some changes.