Monday Blues

I'm sitting in my apartment right now, drinking my coffee, procrastinating. I have to leave for work in just over 30 minutes but instead I'm sitting in my pajamas, just sitting here. Fatigued already and it's only 7:40am.

It's another Monday.
Another Monday where I think to myself - "this is the week...this is the week I'm going to start getting my life in check". And by the time Friday comes, it all falls into a royal cluster.
This weekend, I managed to binge eat an entire Pizza Hut pizza (the stuffed garlic knot crust one, mind you), a pepperoni P'zone, and 2 order of breadsticks. In 2 days. Needless to say I feel disgusting.
This needs to come to an end before I spiral completely out of control.

It's the holiday season - usually this is the happiest time of year for me.
I thought this year would be the first year where I actually got the enjoy the holidays...but no, it's not. I'm a total mess.
I'm afraid and the loneliest I've felt in my entire life.
I'm scared I failed the boards. I'm scared that I'm not a good enough physician. I'm scared that I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I'm scared that I'm going to be overweight my entire life. I'm overwhelmed with work. I just said goodbye to and blocked a guy that meant the world to me for a year and half.
It doesn't help that I've let toxic people accumulate in my life.
"B". I thought he was the one, but he just left me a mess, but pops back into my life through text every now and then to remind me that I wasn't good enough.
Then there's Chris, who blatantly cheated on me then lied about it. Feelings fade, and I guess I'm not good enough to keep a guy interested.

So as I sit here -- feeling like trash, having these dark thoughts flicker through my mind, feeling like how could this not be rock bottom -- I decided to create this blog to save myself. Not as a vehicle to mope about things, but instead to document the good in my life.
I'm so tired of making lists upon lists, planning weeks and months in advance, but then failing to live in the present. I think a lot of people fall in that trap.

This blog is a way for me to just sit back and appreciate the good in everyday.
Sort of like a gratitude journal. I'm not a writer, I'm a typer.
Celebrate the tiny things that make a day special - whether that's stopping for a Starbucks coffee in the morning, or watching a movie on Netflix on my couch, or taking 20 minutes to read a book.
I've let life just pass me by for the last 20+ years and I don't want that to be my legacy.
I want to people into my life who truly love me and appreciate me.
I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I've missed out on life.